Colin,
There is a way to create queries with counts on the Remote Web Console that the thick console does not support.
To get to a web console, do a Run as different user to launch IE (not on the core) using the credentials that have the right permissions.
in the address bar, type in https://yourcorename/remote
It might take a couple minutes to come up the first time.
You can then build a query with COUNT.... I am attaching one I use that you should be able to import. If not let me know and I can add in screen shots